I just can’t face too many questions that not even I have to answer to myself at this time and place in my life. Whoever is reading this now, I hope you know that you are not alone.

Last night, I went home to my flat and felt female. The next day, after waking up and getting the day started, I just felt kind of flat, and it was a Monday. I guess it’s some kind of guilt or two-spirit thing where I change my moods and thinking during the day for a while. The feeling of feeling feminine usually comes back, and in private, I normally de-stress. I often go for walks to clear my head and break the day up a little bit or go to town in male mode. I’m not officially out as a possible Trans Person, but I know I enjoy it in private. 

Being Creative is wonderful, and I find myself being more and more creative as I get older. It could be dressing up, photography, artwork, writing or poetry. I enjoy it all, and to be creative is to be free. If I’m struggling, I turn to writing, as I have over the years, to express it and to not suppress it. The same thing to lift my mood is to express and dress in private. I love it, and people should not be ashamed, no matter how you identify or see yourself in society or even as a private person. The thing is, if you are creative and like to express yourself in healthy ways, the path always leads back to crossdressing. It feels like home, and if I haven’t had a good day, I find it’s a good outlet to come home to and a bit of self-care for mental health too. The same with being creative in any way or form of expression.

I know how hard it can be to open up and tell others how you are feeling. The best advice is to write a note to yourself and see how you feel. I’m no expert, but all I know is that I have my own life, issues and identity to try and balance. I guess that my egg is cracking, so to speak. The cracking of the egg, the waking up of the soul. The joy, the happiness, the pain too and fear of the unknown. The coming-out bit. The unknown of what others may think and the fear of what may come next in life. It’s important to be happy in life, no matter how you identify in this world.

I guess you could say that I am a little bit genderfluid with my identity and how I present myself at times. A non-conformer of gender and identity? And that’s okay – it’s doing no harm to anyone, nor myself. Socially, I struggle. Call it my old friend, anxiety. There are group meetings where you are surrounded by like-minded people who are in different stages of their identity and how they feel about being genderfluid, trans and beyond and in-between.

I try to look after my mental health as well. I write, walk, listen to music, read and keep a mood diary. I try to reach out to as many LGBT places as I can, or where I feel comfortable going as myself or as Esme. Trust me, it’s a struggle, but I guess you must train the mind mentally to look deep within to find the answers that you may be seeking.