Benni Thomas journey so far…
Benni Thomas
So here I am writing this piece as a happy transgendered woman.
Nothing unusual about that. However, my life’s path did not rationally lead me to where I am now. The past few years were difficult for me health-wise with Covid, and losing my mother. It made me reevaluate things, as the world turned and major events unfolded. During these challenging times I felt my soul wander and suffer. I don’t think there was any one thing that made me feel I was trans, but the cumulative impact of so much happening did change me.
It was a type of epiphany …
I had never previously seen myself as a full time trans woman and certainly a decade ago I would not have been ready to come out. I do recognise in hindsight that I was never fully happy; always leaning towards my feminine side, never comfortable in my skin, shy and lacking confidence. Then on an ordinary day – one I no longer recall – I had a moment of clarity, one that directed my journey down a river of sparkles. It was a type of epiphany and one that brought intense clarity, as I knew that being trans was right and that there had been something very wrong with me. As a guy, there had always been jokes at my expense about how I could be incredibly girly from the way I ran to the way I looked. I was never masculine, in fact I never really grew any body hair and didn’t like sports, so maybe deep down I have always subconsciously known I not comfortable with me. During my childhood and teens I was very shy, closed and awkward. People saw me as a bit of an odd-ball, and I struggled with friends and was a classic introvert always lacking confidence.
My twenties and thirties were spent still finding myself.
At university I ended up with more friends than I ever had had before, and I actually ended up spending lots of time with the LGBT+ community. However, I still wasn’t sure about where I fitted in the world. I therefore ended up continuing living a straight heterosexual male life. The idea of being trans was still not something I really ever thought about.
My twenties and thirties were spent still finding myself. After turning forty I became obsessed with my aging. My hair had started greying, my face wasn’t as fresh, and lines were appearing. I looked and felt middle aged. I had a nice flat, a good job and a loving and kind partner. My health unfortunately deteriorated – this time along the cancer pathway – a couple of times – eventually with a lump removed, and then I had a serious prostate infection that took years to recover from, requiring medication which had some serious side effects that I am still recovering from.
… it was a deep yearning to be something
that just made sense.
It was around this time that a friend came out as Trans. It was mind blowing. They showed me pictures of them dressed and they looked incredible. All I could think is how amazing it must be to live an ‘authentic life’. Shortly after, another friend came out as non-binary and began wearing makeup and dresses. I started getting very jealous. But it was more than jealousy, it was a deep yearning to be something that just made sense.
All I had to do now was come out to my partner, family and friends. It was terrifying. Where do you start? My mind was scrambled but I had to say something. I can’t recall how I approach coming out as trans it just blurted out one day. It’s hazy to look back – like a dream that is just out of your reach when trying to remember details, but I do remember her reaction. In a matter-of-fact way with no malice she said “Would you like to go through some of my makeup.” My partner was very kind, and over the next year would help me, teaching me makeup and helping me dress. With makeup, I was starting from scratch, learning how to do a base, then building up to bigger looks from smoky eyes to glam. She became very supportive of my transition even though it was very hard seeing her partner now becoming a woman. I felt bad that I was not the same person either.
The Pink Punters
My first time out dressed was to the Pink Punters for BNO – my trans friend was there as was my partner. I stayed over in the Campanile a hotel that has seen better days, has charm, but is basic. I would later find out some girls have had terrible experiences there. However, for me I enjoyed it, especially the karaoke and meeting other girls in the bar. It’s like an unofficial meet-up before everyone heads over into Pink’s. I wore a pink Pride-dress with my platform heels that had laces going up to my knees – they were unicorn-coloured and glittery as I wanted to make a statement. Seeing the Pink room and getting loads of selfies was amazing. I was still a bit too nervous to talk to most other girls but my partner and our friends were there and it was a lovely evening. I felt very natural and sexy.
We went back to BNO again and this time I went for a sexy black dress. I braved it and made an effort to speak to more of the trans girls there. It was a fab night and I took so many pics with my partner and our friend. It was fabulous. When back home I asked my partner if she would put some pictures up on Facebook which she did. I guess I wanted friends and family to see me looking glamorous. It wasn’t long before my family saw however, and conversations were needed to explain myself. I’d had it very easy up to now.
My big regret was I never told my mother.
I met my sister in a café a little after, and for the whole time it was the elephant in the room – I knew she was going to bring it up. She waited until I was ready to head off. It was not a comfortable conversation. She clearly did not understand where this was coming from and asked some questions that I didn’t like answering. I later had this a few times with other family and friends. I now know what gay people meant about always coming out. It really is exhausting having to justify yourself to everyone . . . and explain which toilets you’ll be using!
My big regret was I never told my mother. She saw my painted nails and growing hair and always said nice things. She loved me and I knew she would love me no matter how I wanted to be. She had terminal cancer and I just didn’t want to burden her anymore. I miss her every day so much.
This is my life and looking forward to my journey
as I transition further…
After my mum passed, it was about six months later I went out on my own to Leeds First Friday and I met some lovely girls who have since become very dear to me. The fact that they are on similar journeys has given me a wonderful support network of friends. Leeds First Friday has been an event where I have ‘come into my own person’ and am now very comfortable in my own skin. I dress and wear makeup every day.
This is my life and looking forward to my journey as I transition further. . .
Benni Thomas
