How T4T love helped me
become comfortable
in my own identity
How T4T love helped me
become comfortable
in my own identity
Tabby
I moved back to the UK in 2022 from the Middle East.
During my time in the UAE, I had no proper romantic relationships as I was both gay and transgender, both of which would get me prosecuted. Upon moving back to the UK, I kept my romantic life very private, I started testosterone a few months after moving back and tried to keep to myself as much as possible while HRT began to work its magic.
Once my voice dropped significantly and I began to pass, I thought I could begin dating. I was still closeted as gay to my friends and family, and so I kept my dating life from them as much as I could. When I initially began dating, I did not inform anyone that I was transgender, as I was so desperate for a normal dating experience that I had so far been deprived. This led to significant paranoia that the men I saw would find out, and my time in the Middle East had left me fearful of their reaction.
In May of 2023 I got top surgery, and this changed things.
To combat this, I would simply stop talking to these men after a few weeks of seeing them, moving onto the next, to get the validation I craved, but without the intimacy I was so afraid of.
In May of 2023 I got top surgery, and this changed things. I felt as though I could dress as I wanted, be bolder and more confident in how I presented myself. I borrowed my friend’s crop tops and mesh-shirts, showing off my newfound masculine build. I passed without question, but the worry about the men in my dating life still haunted the back of my mind.
It was after one surprise conversation with a man I was seeing, where he began to lecture me on how he thought that trans people were ill, that I realised I could not continue like this.
I swore off dating. I made a dramatic speech to my friends about how I wouldn’t find love and that was that.
Charlie and I met in a pub about a month later.
He was wearing a purple jumper and beige converse, and I fell for him immediately. We sat and talked for hours about The Mighty Boosh and Good Omens, bonding over our mutual love of David Tennant. About halfway through the evening, we began to talk about the struggle of getting on HRT in the UK. It was the first time I had spoken to another trans person about my experiences, and it felt so freeing.
I lied and said that I had a bottle of wine in my fridge back home, asking him to come back with me to keep talking. I then quickly phoned my friend, begged them for a bottle of wine and told them I had met someone incredible. Charlie and I stayed up until four in the morning talking, exchanging book recommendations and planning our next meet up.
Almost a year and half later, we have just signed lease on an apartment together. I am the happiest I have ever been, I feel comfortable in my identity, and it is all thanks to him.
Charlie has taught me how to love my body and transness in such a positive way. He has helped me through numerous battles that trans people have to face every day. He has introduced me to self-care in a way that I never thought I would be able to think about.
Just being able to talk about trans struggles with someone that understands them, has shifted my mindset in a wildly different and more positive one. Knowing that I am no longer tackling these problems by myself, makes me feel less isolated and more like I can take on the world.
I owe him so much.
Getting to know how he takes his tea, or how he puts his testosterone gel on in the morning, warmed my heart in ways I didn’t know it could be warmed.
In December of 2024, he underwent top surgery and watching him thrive afterwards has been one of the most beautiful experiences that life can offer. I love watching him put on a t-shirt in the morning and just being able to walk downstairs without worrying about binding. It mirrors the excitement I felt about my own surgery, and I love that I get to experience it all again with him. My T4T relationship has expanded my trans experience and made it into something I want to celebrate.
There are times where we are scared for the future, like listening to Donald Trump’s declarations of policies that he wishes to implement against people like us.
But we sit there and listen together, we decide to ignore it together. We are doing this together now.
Being T4T has opened up my mind in a million different ways, and I cannot thank Charlie enough for doing so. I had never expected this kind of love, had never expected to love and be loved in such a world changing way.
Loving Charlie has taught me how to love myself; how to love my trans identity. I can’t wait to continue to do both over our future.
That was the biggest change.
I am excited for my future, for the future that we will have together. I used to be so scared of how the world will change, whether my trans identity will be challenged in ways I haven’t yet come across.
Now I know it will change, as everything does. But it will change when I am living in a gorgeous apartment, filled with plants, smelling like tea and honey – with my beautiful trans boyfriend.
