My transition
from Female
to Male
Karl Needham
My transition
from Female to Male
Karl Needham
My name is Karl Needham and I started the transitioning process from female to male back in 2000. Here are the struggles and triumphs of that journey.
My name is Karl Needham and I started the transitioning process from female to male back in 2000. Here are the struggles and triumphs of that journey.
I knew from any early age that something was amiss with me. I wasn’t your typical “little girl”, shall we say! In junior school, I gravitated more towards boys and enjoyed and felt right to be in their company and with the stereotypical games that boys play, I fitted in well. There were no social or gender protocols at that stage, but I really noticed this when I moved up to High School and the boundaries seemed to change. This left me isolated and confused.
I found it hard to mix with my female counterparts and even less so with the lads! Coupled with this was the strict uniform policy implemented at the school: girls had to wear skirts and cravats, whilst at junior school I would wear boys’ shorts.
My mother would send me off to school in a nice twee colour-coordinated girlie outfit and each morning I’d call in at a friend’s house to change. Then we’d both skip off to school – happy days.
You could say I started cross dressing from any early age and I would “acquire” other male clothing and became a kleptomaniac. I’d sneak into my parent’s bedroom on many occasions whilst they were out to don my father’s attire, all for the quest to look like a boy!
So High School was a shock. I didn’t understand why I had to adhere to the gender
role. It felt alien and uncomfortable and this is where I became aware of how restricted and lonely my world had become. But at the same time, not fully understanding why I had the need and desire to be a boy. I became very introverted and would escape into a fantasy world in my head and this is where my artistic talents came into play, another tool to seek comfort.
Also in this period (back in the 70s), I recall watching a documentary called “George to Julia” that the BBC were showing on Julia’s highs and lows to transition to a female. This was a light bulb moment for me but, at the same time, I still felt I was the only one as there was no mention of women who had the same desires to transition! I retreated further back into the safety of my head. With this confusion and turmoil I became very rebellious and angry with the world, picking fights with lads, stealing, back chatting teachers and my mother, lying about the most trivial of things, smoking, drinking, in general not being a nice person to be around. Looking back I suppose this behaviour pointed towards the feeling that my peer group rejected me and how I was struggling with puberty and the physical changes that were conflicting in my head. But above all, the need to talk to someone, the guilt of not conforming, the pressure from the family to behave in a more “ladylike manner” and the expectations they wanted from a daughter. Bad times.
Also in this period (back in the 70s), I recall watching a documentary called “George to Julia” that the BBC were showing on Julia’s highs and lows to transition to a female. This was a light bulb moment for me but, at the same time, I still felt I was the only one as there was no mention of women who had the same desires to transition! I retreated further back into the safety of my head. With this confusion and turmoil I became very rebellious and angry with the world, picking fights with lads, stealing, back chatting teachers and my mother, lying about the most trivial of things, smoking, drinking, in general not being a nice person to be around. Looking back I suppose this behaviour pointed towards the feeling that my peer group rejected me and how I was struggling with puberty and the physical changes that were conflicting in my head. But above all, the need to talk to someone, the guilt of not conforming, the pressure from the family to behave in a more “ladylike manner” and the expectations they wanted from a daughter. Bad times.
I left school with no qualifications to speak of, as I had lost all interest in life and didn’t see the point as my life was mapped out to perform as a woman. Depression kicked in and remained with me until I started to look seriously at transitioning
My 20s and 30s were non- eventful: abusive relationships, drinking heavily, a succession of jobs, not really going anywhere with my life. I did embark in the late 80s as a lesbian, but really all I was doing was searching for an identity and a sense of belonging, while not acknowledging and even putting off the inevitable!
I did eventually settle down in a relationship with a woman, bought a couple of houses, holidayed a lot and had a career with the West Midlands Police Authority. I started as a Traffic Warden (only joined because of the uniform, which was exactly same as the guys’ except for the heargear!). Then I worked my way up the career ladder within the organisation.
In between all of this, I undertook some counselling sessions after a severe bout of depression and subsequently suffered a nervous breakdown. I recall on the 4th or 5th session I dropped a comment to the counsellor saying I was unhappy being a woman (testing the waters). To say it didn’t go down well was an understatement. You would have thought that being in that kind of environment was an excellent opportunity to explore and put my mind at ease! Wrong. It was quickly dismissed and the reply was, “You’ll find most women aren’t happy with some aspects of being female”. Charming! I was left feeling embarrassed, vulnerable, angry and thought there’s no way on this earth I’m going to mention that subject again.
So I complied with society’s expectations to be a law abiding citizen, whilst still playing the dutiful daughter bit as well.
With the Millennium fast approaching, I took stock of my life and decided that transitioning was the only way forward for me. I didn’t want to go through life thinking “what if?” So, at the age of 40, enough was enough I approached my GP and set the wheels in motion.
I encountered many obstacles at this stage with the PCT and GPs, let alone the unpleasant failure of the ending of our 8½ year relationship, total rejection by my family as well as by the majority of my so-called friends. Then looking for accommodation and my work colleagues (with a different organisation which was predominately male) extracting the urine every five minutes! Anyone that says, “Well, you chose this path” are so wrong in saying that. Who would actively choose to have every door slammed in their face, losing everything that you had, your home, family, friends and nearest and dearest to you? Nobody chooses that – it’s NOT a choice! It would have been so much easier to go back being a woman, but I wouldn’t have been happy.
Despite this monumental upheaval, I kept plugging away as I knew this path would be the final piece of the jigsaw to complete my life.
In the 13 years living as a man, I have achieved so much and embraced this new lease of life with gusto. I now have qualifications to be proud of, a circle of friends, a home and a business. But above all, I am at peace with the world and me! Yes, it was a frustrating and difficult journey at times, including with my family who, to this day, still don’t acknowledge my existence – which is a real shame, because they are missing out on someone now that’s in a far better head space. But on the whole, it IS worth battling to be the true you!
Currently I facilitate a FtM support group for the LGBT in Birmingham where I’m encouraging members, amongst other issues, to join forces with the MtF community. We may be going towards opposite poles, but the common factor that unites both communities is the roller coaster ride we have with our emotions prior to transitioning! Feelings of despair, of the unknown, of the consequences and worry about the impact it will have on loved ones.
Many years ago when I first started my journey, a close friend summed me up with a phrase: “You have a Heart of a Lion – brave and courageous”. We all have this within us. It just needs to be nurtured and heard.
Karl Needham