Question
of Identity
Who
the hell
am I?
Charlotte P
Question of Identity
Who the hell am I?
Charlotte P
This is a question I have, which no doubt we all as individuals have asked ourselves on many occasions; …
… but as a man at the age of 45, I should hopefully have figured out a definitive answer with regards to myself! Instead, I find myself splitting my time between two personas. Having been gifted even more quiet time, now that my children are 18+ with busy lives of their own, and having lived solo for almost a decade, I seem to have cultivated a secondary persona/character. To add to the mix I am also self-employed and work alone, which makes life feel very solitary on many an occasion. It was only last month that I was subject to having a heavy cold and on the second day at about 9pm in the evening I received a phone call, went to answer the phone, only to discover that I had no voice! It was then I realised that I’d not physically spoken to a single soul since the moment I woke at 6am, and therefore had not realised my lack of vocal ability! So spending that quantity of time alone on my own, thoughts can be both amazing and fulfilling, but simultaneously quite damaging too, and it’s these attributes that have probably helped sculpt the path I’ve trodden in recent years.
So is this why I’ve become Dr Jekyll and Miss Hyde? Yes, quite probably, coupled with the fact I find the everyday tasks of work extremely mundane and character-sapping, opening the door to questions such as ‘surely there’s more to life than just this?’
Allowing that freedom of thought and the availability of free time to roleplay has led me to this point where I’m split between two people – both of which are myself!
But why a female? Why not a superhero, or movie character? Why didn’t I venture into cosplay or battle re-enactments? Well, I have to admit on that score that my fascination does date way back to childhood at about the age of seven. It’s honestly a relief to remember that, as it means that it has not been born through some experimental adolescent ‘perversion’ which has remained as an unscratched itch. So, have I unveiled a deep-seated issue of gender dysphoria, or is it a way of combatting a midlife crisis due to life/achievement dissatisfaction, or simply boredom-relief – or does it even really matter at all?
Clearly we can all get entangled in a sticky web of questions about why; but to me the bigger question should be not ‘why am I…?’ but ‘who am I?’ An individual and a unique person with it – I know that much at least – but do I need to choose between the two? The persona to which I gravitate on a daily basis, entirely depends on the mood in which I wake and the overriding factor of what tasks and plans I have for the day ahead, because I hate to admit it, but Charlotte is well and truly in the closet.
Hiding behind closed curtains on ‘Charlotte days’ can be very restrictive. The desire to boldly step out and enjoy the day in its full entirety can feel very overwhelming at times; however the fear of exposure, ridicule, and recognition are the saving graces that keep my dignity intact – for now at least (blessing or curse, you decide).
It’s not that I am ashamed of who I am, …
… but as with many closeted crossdressers and trans-people, the fear of passing or more to the point ‘not passing’ is a massive barrier to overcome. My makeup skills I believe are average, my dress sense is such that I try to work with my shape, age and attributes – which in my mind I believe works okay. However, my beard growth and deeper voice are like two great ‘Trump walls (‘so high I’m telling you, believe me’). The fear of being spoken to and a response required, makes me break out in cold sweat! – which isn’t good for the beard coverage either.
So how far do I want to take things or let things take me, or even who do I want to be or wish I was? this is my problem. I don’t dislike who I am, I simply enjoy being Charlotte lots too (a good 25% of my time). I’m not interested in taking the gender dysphoria route, and I definitely do not want to make permanent changes; so following the extreme route of hormone therapy isn’t on the cards either. Therapies such as laser or electrolysis for my face are not options as I love growing a beard
and stubble as a man on occasion, whilst voice coaching is out the question too due to the fact it would sound ridiculous to everyone in my everyday life.
Therefore, ‘stuck-in-the-middle’ it seems is the place for me for the foreseeable future.
An occasional cross-dresser (a term I hate because of the sordid connotations people make with such a label). But I believe that’s who I am; an occasional closeted crossdresser who uses it as a form of escapism into a different mindset, and for the pure fantasy of being someone completely different when it suits or is needed. Am I happy with who I am? On the whole yes I believe I am. I know life can change at a flip of a coin and we can only really plan for the here and now, but as for now, I’m pretty relaxed about my situation. I’ve reached my existing personal limits with Charlotte. Perhaps I will push my boundaries further in the future, who knows? – Stepping out from behind the curtains? – Into the daylight of the big wide world? – and if so, maybe I will document the experience to share. I hope my story can be related to by others.
So… who the hell am I?
I am ME!
Thanks for reading.
Charlotte P x